William continues to do an amazing job handling his chemo and radiation treatments. He is so strong! Strong because of his faith and this unwavering support from all those who have reached out to him and are praying for him. I am proud of him and the grace/composure with which he is handling this journey. His biggest complaint remains the fatigue and his struggle at times with his emotions.
On Saturday, he reached out to me and said he was really having a hard time dealing with "the idea that he is not going to be here long." His words came to me in a text as I was out with a friend at the time. He continued with, "It's depressing, and as hard as I try to think that I'm doing fine, I know that's just something I'm telling myself."
What do you say when you hear your loved one reaching out to you like this? I want to make it all better. I want to wake up from this bad dream and wish it all away. However, all that I can do is have faith that God will work a miracle and heal him and that the MDs continue to work their hardest to help him. I also have to help William in whatever ways I need to by making sure he never loses hope or gives up. I just filled up with tears. My heart aches to see my soul mate and the father of my children struggle with something that he shouldn't have to nor deserves. I told him, "I love you! I'm not going anywhere and it will be okay." These words I am sure were not enough, but I didn't know what the right words were. I think sometimes just being present in the moment and listening is helpful, or at least I hope it was. I reassured him it's normal to feel this way as he has had to swallow a lot in the past month. A month ago his life was on a different, more "normal" path.
His texts continued with, "I don't even want to bother anyone with my stupid feelings. I'm tired of making work and trouble for others. I don't know why I am acting this way today. I am just having a hard time." "Everything I'm going through today is just an assumption for what the future holds. I just can't ignore the facts every day." "I'm just having trouble pulling it off today." "I feel like an Olympic gymnast where every practice they nail their routine, then it comes time for the performance, and they miss the beam. I've been doing a good job most days, but not today, and I don't know why." "I feel like I have let you, Abigail, and Audrey down and there's nothing I can do about it except not act like this around her."
How horrible it is to have to feel this way, and I don't know how to make it better. It's in God's hands, and it must just be so hard for him to feel completely out of control. I can't even imagine having to walk in my husband's shoes. No one should have to go through this and feel this way. It is so hard to understand. He has never let us down nor will he. I know he is going to fight like heck to beat this. I am so lucky to have met William when we were just freshmen in high school. He has been an exceptional husband - loving, tender, compassionate and always giving of himself. He is my best friend and my soul mate. He is an amazing father to my girls. Just hate having to watch him have to live this and experience such a nasty diagnosis of cancer. It is unbelievably hard... words cannot express how difficult it is to be his wife and watch the person you love so deeply hurt like he is hurt so badly emotionally and physically. I can't even begin to fathom it from his perspective. All I know is I will be by his side every step of the way. This is just a bump in the road. We went out to lunch and talked and spent the rest of the day together and somehow just being present in the day made it all "seem" better.
Today was a great day! We excitedly got Abigail back this afternoon from Pennsylvania. She had a great time with my parents and her Aunt Bree. It was just what the doctor ordered. William was in much better spirits having his first baby back! She is so much joy and is just the light of his life. He got to take her swimming at the neighborhood pool tonight just for 30 minutes, as tomorrow the pools close for the summer. He came home and said, "I feel good again! I almost feel human! Was great getting to take her to the pool." Happiness to my ears!
Specific prayers for this week:
1. Continued strength for William during his 3rd week of radiation/chemo and help with management of his fatigue.
2. Prayers that our baby, Audrey Grace has improved behavior with less screaming and more sleep at night. Daddy can't handle the noise, and it is so hard on him as his tolerance to noise is lower at this time as swelling in the brain is beginning to be present from radiation treatments.
3. Prayers that William will be granted more patience with Audrey.
4. Prayers that Abigail will continue to make Daddy smile every moment during the day.
*Many of you have asked how they can help support the Lewis family. Here is a list of ideas. Thank you SO much in advance for your encouragement and love.
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| Spiderman came to fight this battle this week with us! |
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| Abigail while she was at Hershey Park, PA |
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